Your Utmost Life
Do you feel invisible, overwhelmed, or disconnected from the woman you once were beyond your role as mom? You're not alone. Many women struggle with maintaining self-worth, finding balance, and rediscovering joy while taking care of everyone else.
Your Utmost Life offers practical tools and transformative strategies to help you reclaim your identity, rebuild your confidence, and create a life that excites and fulfills you. Each week, Misty guides you through actionable topics like self-discovery, personal growth, boundary setting, time management, relationship transformation, and purposeful living.
Because you're not just a mom—you're a woman with untapped potential, waiting to live your utmost life.
Your Utmost Life
Major Mom Mistake #2: Strategic Selfishness -VS- Constant Sacrifice
"Strategic Selfishness vs. Constant Sacrifice: The Debate That's Keeping You Invisible"
Are you caught in the impossible choice between being a "good mom" and honoring yourself? This episode puts an end to that exhausting debate once and for all.
In this episode, you'll discover:
- Why 93% of mothers feel burned out (and it's not what you think)
- The hidden cost of constant self-sacrifice on your marriage and kids
- What Michelle Obama knows about motherhood that most moms miss
- The "garden analogy" that will completely shift how you see your role
- 4 simple, 30-second practices to start your transformation today
If you're the mom who: ✓ Manages 20+ family passwords and everyone's schedules ✓ Feels proud of "doing it all" but cries in the shower ✓ Puts everyone else first yet feels invisible in your own life ✓ Wonders if taking time for yourself makes you selfish
...then this episode is your wake-up call.
The truth? Neither extreme sacrifice nor pure selfishness creates thriving families. What does work is Strategic Selfishness - being intentional about when to give and when to receive so you can love from abundance, not depletion.
Stop teaching your children that love requires self-erasure. Start showing them what a fulfilled, whole woman looks like.
Ready to transform from Invisible Mama to Utmost Woman? This episode gives you the roadmap.
This is episode 2 in the "6 Major Mom Mistakes" series - your guide to reclaiming who you are beyond mom and wife.
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Did you know that 93% of mothers feel burned out? Today, 79% of working moms struggle with extreme anxiety over the expectations they're trying to meet and 66% say they're not mentally healthy, with nearly half seeking therapy. It's no wonder You're waking up after only five hours of sleep, already feeling behind because your mind is racing through today's endless logistics before your feet even hit the ground. Welcome to the second episode in this brand new series focused on reclaiming who you are, beyond just a wife and mom. If you are feeling invisible, unseen, undervalued and disconnected, not just from those you love but from yourself. If you're doing everything for everyone but feel like not just from those you love but from yourself. If you're doing everything for everyone but feel like no one truly sees you, if you feel detached from the woman you are beyond mom and wife what I call the invisible mama then this series is for you. In the first episode, we uncovered something you probably never even realized. You're doing a hidden pattern that's causing your disconnection, invisibility and those overwhelming feelings of being used up and past your prime. Today we're tackling a powerful debate strategic selfishness versus constant sacrifice. This is a big one. Some people are all about self-sacrifice and believe anything less is selfish. Others argue that selfishness is vital for success. There's a constant back and forth, people pointing out there's a problem with this one and an issue with that one. Well, today we're putting it into that debate. I'm going to break down what you should be doing based on my own 15 years of experience. A marriage once on the brink of divorce, relationships with my kids I thought were broken and stepping into a new environment that seemed to steal all the dreams I held and a boatload of lies I believed as gospel truth. But today my marriage has never been stronger. My relationships with my kids are filled with respect, love and connection. I've achieved dreams I have held to for 23 years, and even some I didn't fully imagine until just a few years ago, and through all of that I have learned so much. That's exactly what this episode is here for to break down what I've learned and share what I would advise.
Speaker 1:If you're questioning your purpose beyond being a mom and a wife, or if you've even broken down in tears in the shower because you don't feel truly valued by your family, despite everything you do for everyone every single day, if any of that resonates with you, I am willing to bet you might be erasing yourself from your own life, and today we are going to help you fix that. So keep listening. Do you ever catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and barely recognize that woman staring back? The woman who once dreamed big, burned with passion and had a purpose beyond meeting everyone else's needs? Hi, I'm Misty Chelley, and this is your Utmost Life the podcast for moms who feel guilty for wanting more or can't remember the last time they truly felt like themselves. If you're tired of feeling invisible, overwhelmed and stretched too thin, then you've come to the right place. Here we will explore how to reclaim your identity beyond mom and wife. Prioritize your needs without guilt and live your life to the utmost, because here's the truth. You're not just everything to everyone. You are a unique, powerful woman with dreams that matter, goals that count and a voice that deserves to be heard. It's time to move from surviving to thriving, without guilt, overwhelm or upheaval. Become an utmost woman who doesn't just exist. She designs her life with intention, creates meaningful impact and shows up as her full, authentic self in every area of her life. So stick around, we're just getting started. Hello and welcome to another episode of your Upmost Life Podcast.
Speaker 1:Today we're diving into episode two of my new series called the Six Major Mom Mistakes and how to fix them. These are the most common mistakes I see moms making and, honestly, mistakes I made myself for years. These habits leave us feeling invisible, undervalued, stressed out, worn down and disconnected, not just from those that we love but from ourselves. They cause us to move through life on autopilot, feeling worn out, used up and, quite frankly, longing for something more, but not exactly sure what more really means. Today we're diving into a hot debate strategic selfishness versus constant sacrifice. It's a pretty big topic at least that's how it feels and it's one that seems to be growing because everyone believes their way of handling it is the right way. So the question is is a mom sacrifice the true mark of a great mom, or is taking time for herself actually selfish? You hear voices saying that good mothers sacrifice everything for their children. Others say that kids need to be figuring it out on their own sink or swim with a hands-off approach. Some moms believe that motherhood must involve sacrifice, pain and exhaustion, that if you're not worn down and miserable, you're somehow not doing it right. Meanwhile, there's others that fill their calendars with me time girls, weekends, date nights, mani-pedis, massages and retail therapy, because they believe they deserve it.
Speaker 1:Let's start at the beginning. When we start dating someone, we feel that spark. We decide to get married, start a family and build a life together. None of us plan for a journey that consumes decades of our lives, with chronic sleep deprivation, constant frustrations, stress, headaches, bickering and disconnection from our purpose. We don't imagine a life where it feels like we're just existing under the same roof with our partner and where life seems meaningless beyond endless busyness. How we, as moms, navigate the gap between that original dream and the reality we live is where things differ. Every mom wants to be seen as superwoman by those that she loves. We wear that title like a badge of honor, a sign that we've done the job well, that we've become the perfect mom and wife.
Speaker 1:Some moms take pride in handling it all, setting aside their own needs for the sake of their families, always putting everyone else first. They feel that if they're not constantly giving, they're being selfish. You might feel that taking time for yourself means taking away from your family, that there's too much to do and you have to do it all for them. I've been there doing it all, feeling proud that I was doing better than those who weren't yet. Finding myself crying in the shower, lying awake at night, feeling like I wasn't good enough, like I wasn't living up to who I thought I should be, feeling as though my marriage was falling apart. My kids only needed me to do things for them, and I was becoming used up and invisible in my own life. I was doing everything right, but I had become what I now call the invisible mama, doing everything for everyone but feeling completely unseen in my own life.
Speaker 1:You're the meal planner, the banker, the grocery runner, the online researcher for every family need, and your idea of relaxation is coordinating next week's schedule plans and all the household errands. Maybe you have more than 20 different passwords to your family's accounts that you manage. Maybe you're juggling 10 or more upcoming appointments and deadlines on your mental calendar. You're constantly in solve it mode, handling what feels like urgent emergencies or mentally preparing plans for things that might happen. You become the go-to service provider for everything in the household and for every family member. Let's be honest there are moments of pride in knowing you are not like other moms who don't do everything you do. You sacrifice so much and you take pride in handling it all, so no one has to worry. You rarely ask for help, keep the family running smoothly and always put everyone else first, but because of that, most days you're mentally overloaded, struggling with brain fog. You feel overwhelmed at least twice a week. Moments of resentment hit at least once a month and you feel taken for granted at least twice a week, and chronic fatigue has become your norm. You have lost sight of what you actually want and need.
Speaker 1:Is self-sacrifice really the gold standard of being a good mom? Look, I completely understand why you believe that, and that is okay. We've been told for generations that sacrificing ourselves is the truest form of love and that all good mothers put their children first. I get it deeply. I felt the same way. I believed that my children were a blessing from heaven and that it was my job to do everything in my power to make sure that they had everything they needed, that I couldn't fail them in any way and that they should know without a shadow of a doubt how much I loved them.
Speaker 1:But let me ask you this Does showing love mean completely erasing your own needs and desires? When you love someone, does it mean giving them all of who you are, so they become the entire center of your existence. Is that truly the message that you want to teach your daughter about what love looks like? Is that what you want your son to believe that women in his life should do if they really love him? If my daughter came to me and said her boyfriend told her that he loved her and that to prove her love she needed to give up her friends, stop doing things that she loved and give all of herself to him, what I say yes, dear, that seems reasonable. If you love him, you totally should do that. I won't swear right now, but honestly, just saying that out loud makes my blood boil. There is no way I would ever say that was true love or what love really means. And yet that's exactly what I was unintentionally teaching her.
Speaker 1:I stopped doing the things I loved. I watched friendships slowly fade. I canceled appointments for myself not the fun ones, but important ones like doctor's visits. I took on everything running the household, managing every schedule mine, theirs, even my husband's all on my calendar. I stressed over their tasks, their assignments, their job. I carried the weight of everyone's happiness. Even a small sigh of disappointment would send me into fix-it mode immediately. I was determined to make sure every member of my family knew they could count on me for anything, anytime that I would drop everything to ensure their happiness and needs were met, so that they never had to worry about a thing Mama would take care of it. But let me ask you this Does every mother who sacrifices everything about herself, giving up all she is to focus on her children and husband, actually have a great marriage and thriving kids? The answer is no. But let's consider Michelle Obama, former first lady attorney, author, mother of two and married for over 30 years. She famously said for me, being a mother made me a better professional because coming home every night to my girls reminded me what I was working for. And being a professional made me a better mother because by pursuing my dreams I was working for. And being a professional made me a better mother because by pursuing my dreams, I was modeling for my girls how to pursue their dreams.
Speaker 1:To be a good parent, you need to take care of yourself so you can have the physical and emotional energy to take care of your family. You have spent years setting yourself aside your wants, needs, dreams, opinions and hobbies, all in the name of being a good mom, yet you feel disconnected from your husband, like a service provider to your children and a stranger to yourself. If this is the road that you've been driving down, where do you think it will lead in the next five to 10 years? Do you truly believe your marriage will grow stronger, that your relationship with your kids will become less about what you do for them, and that you will remember who you are beyond being a mom and a wife? I promise I'm not judging. You have my deepest empathy.
Speaker 1:I spent over a decade in the exact same boat and, honestly, sometimes my instinct is to find back right in that boat. Michelle Obama is a perfect example of the utmost woman. She raised two daughters who are thriving, sustained a loving marriage for over 30 years and never stopped embracing who she is. So let me ask you this what is the outcome of being a good mom? I'm not asking what a good mom does, but rather what experiences occur. What behaviors do our children portray? What results do we see? How do we feel? What qualities will your children display that confirm they were raised by a good mom?
Speaker 1:Good parenting and a positive home environment usually lead to though not always, since free will does play a role that leads to children who grew up with these qualities they have confidence to navigate the world independently, the ability to manage their daily lives without constant help, healthy coping mechanisms for stress, skills to regulate their own emotions, respect for themselves and others, compassion and empathy toward others, the ability to build healthy romantic relationships, strong communication and conflict resolution skills, deep family connections, a desire to contribute positively to society, the courage to live authentically as themselves, and basic life management skills like cooking, cleaning and organization. What many moms don't realize is that by constantly doing everything for their children and sacrificing themselves, they're actually holding back these very outcomes. When children see their mothers always putting herself last, they learn that self-sacrifice equals love. When there are no boundaries, they allow you to care for yourself. They don't learn to respect others' limits. And when you handle all of their problems, even those that haven't happened yet, they don't develop their own problem-solving skills.
Speaker 1:The truth is, when you're burnt out, exhausted and carrying a little resentment, your children internalize that adulthood is miserable. They come to believe that marriage means losing yourself, that it's a one-sided sacrifice where one gives and the other takes. Daughters often replicate this same pattern of self-erasure, believing that good women must sacrifice everything for others. Sons may grow up expecting future partners to serve them the way their mother did, never learning what it means to be an equal partner in a relationship. The sad truth is that the very behaviors that make women feel like good mothers constant sacrifice, no boundaries, doing everything for everyone are actually stopping their children from becoming the healthy, independent and confident adults they want them to be.
Speaker 1:So how do we transform from an invisible mama into what I call the utmost woman, someone who has a thriving family, a strong and respectful marriage filled with intimacy and sustainability, quality relationships with their children and a solid foundation of self? The answer is simple but vital Focusing on your needs is essential. Now wait Before you tune me out. Hear me out. We all know that being the parent who puts themselves above everyone else does not lead to children who are able to make good decisions on their own, confident, with healthy self-esteem and self-worth, emotionally resilient to handle setbacks, skilled at regulating their own emotions, able to form and maintain meaningful friendships, capable of loving and being loved, connecting strongly to their family. What I'm saying is this strategic selfishness is the vital attribute for being a good mom, an amazing wife and, ultimately, an utmost woman.
Speaker 1:On the flip side. Parents operating from pure self-focused mindset often raise kids who feel guilty, berate themselves, lose confidence and self-esteem, develop fears, mistrust others, struggle with commitment and much, much more. So we can agree that simply demonstrating selfishness doesn't create the outcomes we want for our children as they grow into adults, and we can agree that constant self-sacrifice hasn't worked either. It also fails to produce those desired outcomes. So what can we do to create a thriving family, a strong and respectful marriage filled with intimacy and sustainability, quality relationships with our children and a solid foundation of self.
Speaker 1:Children who thrive as adults usually have mothers who model self-respect and set clear boundaries. Show what a fulfilled whole woman looks like. Allow children to experience natural consequences, demonstrate they are worthy of care and attention to, and teach that love doesn't require self-erasure. A thriving marriage requires two whole people, not one sacrificing themselves for the other. It needs a dynamic where both partners are valued, contribute equally and grow together. This is what it means to be the utmost woman. When you become your utmost self, you actually serve your family better. When you step into your utmost self, you bring your very best to your marriage. It becomes a place of mutual respect, genuine intimacy, sustainable love and deep connection between two partners. You are no longer operating from depletion, resentment or the need to prove your worth through sacrifice. When you become your utmost self, you teach your children far more about thriving adulthood than constant self-sacrifice ever could. Your strategically selfish approach to how you live each day helps prevent negative outcomes by maintaining healthy family dynamics. Think of motherhood like tending the most important garden of your life, your family.
Speaker 1:Imagine a master, self-sacrificing gardener who gives every drop of water, every nutrient, every moment of sunlight to her prized roses, while completely neglecting the other flowers in her garden. At first, the roses bloom beautifully. Everyone admires her sacrifice. But over time weeds begin to invade her other flowers. The flowers no longer grow, they begin to wilt. The soil becomes depleted, cracked and barren. Eventually even the roses begin to wilt, because the entire ecosystem, the family, needs care to thrive. The gardener now, exhausted, stands amidst a greenhouse that once bloomed with life, only to find the beauty she fought so hard for slipping away. There's another gardener who selfishly hoards all the water and nutrients just for herself, creating a lush, vibrant spot that seems like a paradise in the middle of the garden. But while her little oasis thrives, the rest of the garden withers and suffers, starved of what it needs to flourish. Her selfishness builds a beautiful illusion a stunning spot surrounded by barren earth. Yet beneath the surface she is trapped, surrounded by creeping weeds, ravenous bugs and the slow rod of decay that no one else sees.
Speaker 1:The wise and strategic gardener doesn't rush. She tends to the soil first, carefully enriching it, deeply watering it and nurturing its health and fertility. From this rich foundation she cultivates abundant growth that spreads through the entire garden. Pausing, resting and observing with intention, she prunes only when necessary, feeds the roots with care and safeguards her own energy and resources to sustain everything around her. Her children, watching closely, learn that true love and lasting beauty bloom from the art of knowing when to nourish, when to step back and when to patiently wait. It's through rest, patience and thoughtful attentiveness that she creates a vibrant, thriving environment for all. The invisible mama is like the first gardener giving everything to everyone until she withers away. The utmost woman is like the wise gardener giving everything to everyone until she withers away. The utmost woman is like the wise gardener she tends to herself first so she can create abundance for everyone around her. The invisible mama believes her worth comes from how much she sacrifices. The utmost woman knows her worth comes from who she is, not what she does.
Speaker 1:Imagine a woman in her mid-40s, a dedicated mom of two teens, a classic invisible mama. She used to work 50 plus hours a week while managing every detail of her kids' lives. Saying no wasn't in her vocabulary Volunteer duties, family obligations. Her children's constant demands filled her day. Stress eating and no exercise led to weight gain. Her marriage felt more like a scheduling logistics than a partnership. And her kids? One struggled to find independence in college, calling multiple times a day. The other expected to be served at home, lacking basic life skills. Then came the breaking point. She collapsed to work, spent three days in the hospital and got a blunt warning from her doctor You're headed for a heart attack if you don't change. That night in her hospital bed, she realized her selfless approach was hurting everyone, including herself.
Speaker 1:After she transformed from an invisible mama to an utmost woman through what she calls strategic selfishness, everything changed. Two years later, her kids are thriving independently. One graduated with honors and launched her dream career. The other got into her first choice, college, and now faces challenges head on. She earned a promotion at work thanks to her renewed energy and focus. Her marriage has been renewed. Her husband says I married this confident woman and I am so glad that she is back Now. Her children come to her for wisdom, not crisis management. What did they all learn? That self-sacrifice is selfish. It's responsible. Confident people set boundaries. Love doesn't require self-destruction. They're capable of solving their own problems and healthy relationships are built on mutual respect.
Speaker 1:So how do you begin shifting from self-sacrifice to strategic selfishness? Here are some simple, actionable steps that you can start using right now to transform from invisible mama to utmost woman, someone who thrives by prioritizing herself strategically, not selfishly. And the best part, these take like 30 seconds each. Yes, you deserve that time because your well-being matters. So step one do a morning check-in Before you even get out of bed. Ask what do I need today, not what everybody else needs. What do you need?
Speaker 1:Step two do an evening reflection. Write down three decisions you made today for others and three decisions you made for yourself. Notice the balance and what it tells you. Step three pause the automation when someone asks you to do something, pause, breathe and say let me check my schedule and get back to you. Don't commit immediately. Use the next 24 hours to ask yourself does this align with my priorities or am I just trying to please, because I always have? And step four pick one non-negotiable. Choose something daily that's just for you, maybe reading for 10 minutes or walking for five.
Speaker 1:Start small. What you'll soon realize is that those you love aren't feeling neglected, but you're feeling more aligned and energized. The key is starting small and building momentum. Choose two to three manageable actions and build from there. Remember, strategic selfishness isn't about being selfish. It's about being strategic with your energy so you can love and serve from abundance rather than depletion.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you what do you really want? Do you want to keep pouring all your time and energy into sacrificing your mind, body and self just to feel like you're being a good mom, while your marriage feels more like managing logistics than a loving partnership? Or do you want to lead your children by example, showing them how to thrive, love deeply and show up in the world as a whole, empowered person who builds strong, joyful relationships not only with their kids, but with their spouse too? The choice is yours. Which path aligns with the life and legacy you want to create? If you are ready to embrace strategic selfishness and shift from invisible mama to utmost woman, then make sure to subscribe to my podcast today. You won't want to miss this empowering series and the brand new three-day Reclaiming who you Are Beyond Mom and Wife event coming soon. So stay tuned. But remember strategic selfishness isn't about being selfish. It's about being strategic with your energy so you can love and serve from abundance, not depletion. You are more than everyone's everything. You are someone.